Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
