my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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