Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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