I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have aggressive nipples.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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