i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
