i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't deserve a penis
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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