It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
