No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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