I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
