i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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