You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
