My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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