he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
