maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
