She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
