i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My Sexting was not on an AP level
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
