Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
