you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
