she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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