sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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