Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize