Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
