dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
