Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
