Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
