How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
