You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
