he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
