He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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