I just threw up on my dentist
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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