My hair reeks of homosexuality.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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