Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
