well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Farmville is her only friend.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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