Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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