Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
