if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
