Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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