if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
