If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
