Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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