forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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