is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
