tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
