even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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