there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
