her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
