The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
