Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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