Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
