I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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