Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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