just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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