I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize