I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
