Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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