Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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