Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
