I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
