If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have started to decorate penises.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
