you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
