Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
