my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
