So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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