im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
