I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
