Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
