my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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