Michael Bay diarrhea
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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