Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
