I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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