a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
