So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
