just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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