I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
