It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
